I week ago I started a new workout program where we do boxing and lifting. The workouts are 40 minutes or under and are only 5 days of the week, giving me two rest days. So, I rested Saturday and Sunday.Yesterday (Monday) I didn't work out, I felt like someone was trying to steal my ovaries and the thought of moving made me want to vomit. So my BFF for the day (the heating pad) and I watched TV, read, listened to podcasts, napped, ate whatever we wanted. Today, I woke up and worked out with my husband, and added on my workout from yesterday.
This story may mean nothing to you and that is fine. But I noticed on my walk with the dogs today how far I have come as a human in the past 10 years. Old Dani would have been so mad at herself for missing one workout that she would have taken the whole week to mope about how awful she was, how she sucked at doing things, and how she couldn't even do a workout when all the other "people" (aka humans on social media) could do a workout. Old Dani wasn't in the best of shape (for herself) and was always fighting with this nasty bitch who lived in her head.
On my walk today, I was listening to Rachel Hollis read "Girl, Stop Apologizing". I almost broke into tears when she quoted Brene Brown and talked about shame vs. guilt. Essentially, guilt is based on a single behavior and responds "I made a mistake, I am sorry". Shame takes it personally and it's response is more detrimental like "I am a mistake". I got teary eyed as I remembered how differently this sounds in my head now than it did a few years ago. I also started thinking about how many times I have heard this "shame" scenario out of all of the powerful, strong, loving, kind, funny women in my life. I grew up with a powerful, gorgeous mama who always had a hard time seeing herself they way we did, I had roommates who would punish themselves by not eating when they didn't workout, I had co-workers who would mentally punish themselves if they missed something at work, I had friends who constantly apologized to their dirtbag boyfriend because they didn't see their worth. I had a lifetime of ladies (myself very much included) who always took on the shame, and overlooking the guilt.
Years ago I lived in shame....I was the mistake. I was awful, I was dumb. If something bad happened, it was because I wasn't good enough. Lots of self pity, low self esteem and probably toxic friendships/relationships lead to this way of thinking. Today, thanks to the help of TONS of self help books, loving and positive friends, and lots of meditation I can see something as guilt, apologize to myself and move on usually with a "Damnit Dani". Not working out would have wrecked my world and caused a major spin out before. Instead, I joked and said "Damnit Dani" as I ate a piece a chocolate and moved on to my second nap of the day. Today, I woke up to birds singing and had a great day with no worries of missing that workout yesterday because I had a plan. My plan was to make Tuesday the best it could be. PERIOD. Because I felt so much better, I got in both workouts. I made a plan for our meals for the week, I made a plan for projects I wanted to finish/start. And if something comes up and Tiger King takes up my day instead of painting, then I can adjust.
This change was slow and it was a huge learning process. It was hard and I constantly had to remind myself that plans change, that's okay! I have a list of books that I love and have read over and over again, if you need some recommendations please reach out! I had to relearn healthy habits as an adult. What workouts I enjoy, do I enjoy going to the gym or a class? What are my hobbies? What should I be eating? How do you make friends as an adult? What am I passionate about? I had to learn who I was and go from there. I had to learn to turn that nasty bitch in my head off. That was the hardest part, to turn down the hateful self talk and build up my confidence. I would NEVER say anything to another person that my mind was saying to me, so I stopped listening. If you are in this phase, please stop. Please find help via self-help books, your friends, a therapist, mediation, etc. You are an incredible human. You will make mistakes. You are not a mistake!
Let me repeat that for you again....YOU are not a mistake. Will you make some? Absolutely. We all do it, it is part of life. The act of accepting something you did, apologizing and learning from it are all parts of being an effective human. The best plan is continuing to learn how to be better each day. If you need a good read or a wonderful listen, be sure to check out "Girl, Stop Apologizing!"or join our self-love book club!
With light and love,